I have my history senior seminar in the morning and I'm finishing up my homework as I type this. It is exactly 9:23 p.m. and I'm exhausted. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I actually slept last night. I teased my body with sleep and now it wants more.
I'm mad at myself. I hated history in grade school. I "learned" what I needed to pass. As a bookworm, I began getting frustrated as I got older with how little I knew. Literature (good literature) and history have a very intimate relationship. I fail to recognize the simplest of allusions.
When it came time to switch my major when I decided that I wanted to teach English, I chose history as my minor (as opposed to math, which I'm also good at) because, as an adult, I have finally developed a great interest in history. I don't want to read a book and not know what the fuck an author is talking about when stumbling upon a historical reference.
As I've begun learning my history, I have been very excited at the side effects. I'm a better conversationalist, especially when the subject is politics. I catch some of the historical references in books. The world makes more sense.
My homework for tomorrow was to print off the MTTC history study guide from the MTTC website and be prepared to discuss it in class. (Also to come up with a thesis for my research paper, which I haven't done, but I have a topic: the WTO.) As I go through the study guide, I'm becoming overwhelmed.
I don't know shit. It's frustrating.
This is the code I have to crack: as a future teacher, what can I do to get my students to want to learn? I didn't want to learn this stuff, so I didn't and, as a person who fancies herself the occasional thinker, I feel very inadequate.
I have a lot to learn by April when I sit for my certification exam. Or, I'm going to fail.
I'm not prepared for failure.