Monday, January 29, 2007

Conversations (You Would Love My Brother!)

I've been having conversations with people recently about my marital status and the fact that I'd like to begin dating, but I don't know how it all works, I don't know what I want to get out of the process, etc.

Today I had one such conversation. It marked the third such conversation where someone tries to set me up with their brother.

The first conversation I had was with a nurse at the doctor's office. I know her and, through a Q and A session about my divorce, it came out that I am keeping my eyes open to begin dating. "You would love my brother!" I'm sure.

While I am a little antsy to date, for fear that if I don't just do it, I never will, this does not mean that I'm so desparate that I need for people to start setting me up on dates with their brother, or anyone else for that matter. I'm relatively certain, that if I put my mind to it, and step outside of the comfort zone, I'm perfectly capable of landing my own date, thank you very much. But what if I'm not?

This was the topic of discussion with a friend today. What if I can't find that first date? What if I'm too picky? Am I allowed to be choosy? Here's what she had to say about that: "I know you just said that you don't want to be set up... but you would love my brother." WTF? Did she just not hear me complaining about the other 2 people who claim that I would love their brothers? Does she really think it's possible that I'm going to love her brother the same way that I'm surely going to love the other 2 brothers?

I don't want to be "set up" and I don't want to be set up with any of my friend's brothers.

So, I begin my laundry list of criteria (secretly hoping that she either a) sees that her brother cannot possibly fill all of the criteria, or b) thinks I am too much of a high-maintenance bitch for her perfect brother). Guess what? Turns out that her brother meets all of those criteria! How did I get so lucky?!

Then, I decided to tell her that I'm not even really sure what I want. I'm too nice, you see, I'm not courageous enough to tell her to shut it and that I don't want to date her brother, so I had to continue planting seeds that would make her stop seeing me as a love match for her brother.

I tell her:

I don't even want to date seriously, I just want to practice date. I need to learn what dating is all about. I've never dated. It would probably be best if I just went out with a couple of men that I don't see real possibility with so I can figure this whole dating thing out.

Still, her brother would be cool with all of that. Of course, he would! He's perfect, you see. And he loves kids. Vomit.

It got worse. She brought up sex. Now she knows exactly what I need. Someone I can casually date with, you know, benefits (I'm not entirely sure I disagree, but shut up, please). She said this while trying to whore out her brother. Now I find myself liking her brother, whom I've never met, if only to shield the poor guy from her.


Luckily for me, a male friend of ours saved me. "You guys need to shut the fuck up." Thanks, male friend (who is too short to even consider asking out for "practice").

What I really hate about myself is that I'm spending so much of my time thinking about this shit. Really, am I in high school? Grow up, lady.

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