I'm being attacked by insecurity.
I entered into a minor debate last night which was representative of a rather large core difference between myself and a good friend that I have a great deal of admiration for.
The admiration is important here. If I didn't possess the admiration, I wouldn't feel the insecurity.
The debate was suspended for now. Ultimately, I won't be able to "win" as my intellectual gifts are complementary to my friend's in that we both bring different things to the table. In other words, I can't match wits on the matter at hand as my strengths do not lie here. I'm not saying that I'm intellectually inferior overall but this would be the area where (I'm being diplomatic so as not to sound self-depracating) I'm a bit weak.
Prior to stating my difference of opinion, I was fully aware that I wouldn't win. I don't have the knowledge or skills to support my position even remotely as effectively as I knew my friend would.
I trudged forth anyway.
You see, it would have been very easy for me to just agree with this person that I admire so I wouldn't lose any points.
But I have a conviction or two (okay... possibly three) and, as such, I can't misrepresent myself. I have to be honest, knowing that said honesty may not acheive desired results. Namely, I would hate to have a friend that I tend to place upon a pedestal think less of me.
Two things about that:
1) I have to be proud of myself at the end of the day. I couldn't be proud of myself by downplaying the things that make me who I am just to ensure that someone has a high opinion of me. How empty would the friendship be if I didn't have opinions?
2) I have several admirable qualities of my very own. Is it not possible that I could be admired for those even if differences exist? (I suspect that it is, indeed, possible.)
In light of this confidence I have in myself, why do I feel so insecure?
Is it curiousity that, because I don't have the capability to articulate my point as effectively as my friend, I wonder if I might be "wrong"?
Or is it that when I place someone upon a pedestal, I am essentially setting myself up to feel beneath them?
You see, if I would have had the exact same conversation with someone whom I did not admire, I wouldn't have cared if I would ultimately be able to impress them by effectively articulating my point.
I wouldn't even dwell on the fact that, many times in cases like this, I simply can't articulate.
It wouldn't matter.
But it does.