Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Mating Habits of Seven Highly Effective Animals

Why should you care about beavers? Because beavers build dams! Does this mean they steal jobs from hardworking American citizens and illegal immigrants? You bet your ass! But, you could all learn a lesson in work ethic from beavers, so take notice.

Beavers only mate 1-2 times per year. Their babies are born a few months after the mating, in the spring. The little ones start assuming their dam responsibility before they turn 2! Lesson? If we, as a society, weren't so preoccupied with sex, we might become better workers and see that it's okay to send our babies to work, just like in Sri Lanka!
Cheap labor=more jobs. More jobs= less time for sex. Less time for sex= better dams!

Why should you care about crabs? Aside from the obvious STD joke I could insert here? Because crabs taste good!

Crabs have very interesting sex lives. Let me throw a couple of cliches out there for you all to munch on. Boy crabs have 4 times as much sex as girl crabs. After 5 1/2 hours of marathon sex, boy crabs ejaculate all over the girl crab's belly. Only instead of preventing pregnancy (as this action may do in humans- some of the time), it assures pregnancy because girl crabs carry hundreds of thousands of eggs in their "abdominal flap." From the time the girl crab secretes her girl hormones to attract the boy crab until the post-coital cuddling is over, the boy and girl crabs are attached to one another for up to 3 days! How's that for excessive?
Girl secretions= marathon sex. Marathon sex=very fertilized belly. Very fertilized belly=sure supply of crab legs!

Octopuses (or is it octopusi?)
Why should you care about octopuses? Because they're super smart! Who do you think invented suction cups?!? We should all aspire to be as intelligent as an octopus. We should, however, not listen to that voice that tells us to eat our own arms.

Talk about women sucking the life out of men! The male octopus actually has an arm (hee, hee!) specifically for inserting his seed into the female octopus' "cavity." His arm actually comes off for this and then, a few months later, he dies. The female takes her thousands upon thousands of fertilized eggs and strings 'em up and decorates her house with them. Intuitive! And she has an extreme diet plan: during the month her egg-lights are developing, she doesn't eat. Then, when the eggs hatch, she dies. Boy, for such "intelligent" animals, I think octopuses have a thing or two to learn about survival. Is sex worth dying for?
Detachable sperm injector=lotsa fertilized eggs. Lotsa fertilized eggs=mom who specializes in home decorating. Mom who specializes in home decorating=orphans.

Why should you care about sheep? Because sheep make wool! Well, not all by themselves, they do need people (jobs *wink,wink*) to shave them first. The important thing is that they don't have to die to keep us warm.

I felt a little guilty reading up on sheep. Sheep are freaks! While the female only has sex about once per year, the male blows anywhere between 50 and 100 times per year. "Wait, that doesn't add up," says you. I know! It's because male sheep are homosexuals! I couldn't make that up. They have to be trained to mate properly. What's worse is that they're racist homosexuals! If they're in a group of mixed breeds, they stick to their own. It's crazy! You really should read up on sheep yourselves because I might get a little sick relaying the rest. Let's leave it at this:
Man scent=horny ewe. Horny ewe=pregnant ewe. Pregnant ewe=more wool!

Sperm whales
Why should you care about sperm whales? Because they're huge and they could kill you! You best watch your step. Also, the "sperm" (it's not really sperm, it just looks like it) of the male sperm whale is used in over a hundred products, many of which you use.

If you're a lady, you'd love being a sperm whale. The men clamor for your favor. At times, the men will resort to violence to be the one givin' it. Other times, they'll try to store up their seed, hoping you'll select them because they have a better chance at knocking you up. Also, girl whales aren't shallow for choosing the biggest suitor. The bigger, the better. It's all part of the process.
Ovulating female=line-up of boys at the door. Line-up of boys at the door=better chance of sperm whale survival. Better chance of sperm whale survival=lots of shampoo.

Why should you care about tuna? Because they make for inexpensive food that practically never goes bad!

I didn't find much on the reproduction of the tuna, which made me think I aught to buck it in favor of rabbits but then I saw a sign (and it opened up my eyes). The little I did find on reproduction in tuna was on the Southern Bluefin Tuna, which in biology tuna geek circles is commonly referred to as SBT. SBT!!! Get it? Of course, you do. The thing about tuna, besides the odor, is that there is actually no contact between the male and the female. This is great for the gals if they're femi-nazis or lesbians. It's great for males if that smell is a turn-off and, let's face it, it is. The good thing is that the gal tuna releases up to 6 million eggs each day she's in her "cycle." So,
No sex=no expectations. No expectations=men and women coexisting peacefully. Men and women coexisting peacefully=lots of sandwiches.

Why should you care about woodpeckers? Because they're annoying and they need to be stopped!

Okay, let's face it, woodpeckers are birds with funny names. Not that other birds don't have funny names. But, we all know that birds don't have sex. We know about eggs and nests already. What I thought you should know is that woodpeckers are more likely to thrive in areas of dead wood where their incessant beak tapping can create cavities in the wood more easily. Thus, if we all commit to starting a small fire in these areas, we will not only encourage regrowth, but we will see a rapid decline in woodpecker population.
Woodpeckers don't have sex=female with a lot of responsibility. Female with a lot of responsibility=stress for everyone. Stress for everyone=woodpeckers venting their frustration on that tree right outside your bedroom window.

Alright, I'm done. With your tiny morsels of new knowledge, what kind of animal are you?

No comments: