Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Taking Up a Collection. For Real, This Involves Specimen

Disclaimer: I understand that my use of the word "specimen" below is arguably incorrect. "Specimen" is, of course, meant to be a sample of the whole, and I am using it to represent the whole. I am completely aware of this, but "specimen" is such a cool word that I'm using it anyway.

Okay, so those of you who know me in my "real life" know that I have some adoration issues. Essentially, there are a handful of people that I encounter occasionally that I wish to kidnap and keep in my basement so that I can dote on them at will.

I hesitate to identify these people as they may not know me well enough to understand my sense of humor and that, while I'm joking, I'm also completely serious.

These people are simply cute. They possess a little something that makes them positively irresistable. It's not sexual. That's why I want to keep them in my basement- where there are plenty of toys with which they can amuse themselves when I am not forcing them to exercise their dimples or do cute tricks.

If it were sexual and, dear readers, that is indeed the case with a couple of you (maybe I know you in "real life" and maybe I don't), I would, of course, keep you in my bedroom. Not at the same time. Actually, maybe at the same time. Hmm... let me get back to you on that one.

What's sparking this particularly strange blog? Through no fault of their own, a couple members of my future collection happened to let one of their hobbies slip. Today, I took this opportunity to inform Treasure (who knows of my sickness) that when I kidnap these individuals, I will have to make sure that the hobby will be provided for.

I don't want the specimen to become sad in their captivity.

Treasure, I swear to whoever is in charge, wherever they are, that if you were to ever, ever, ever identify my future specimen you'd have to find your own ride home from the bar in the future. Also that I wouldn't love you anymore. For real.

I've said enough. I don't want people to be on guard around me. Just know that if you wake up someday in the play room of my basement, make yourself comfortable. Do not be afraid. You will be well fed and adored for all eternity. As long as you look cute when I tell you to.

Except for the couple of you who will wake up someday in my bedroom. In that case, you will be well fed and adored as well, but there will be a whole different set of expectations.

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