Thursday, January 15, 2009

In Which Jesus Tries to Save the Bratz

In December, Sarajane went to Frankenmuth (where I was once documented kissing a camel) and purchased a Jesus action figure for me as a gift.
 

 
I couldn't decide if I he was worth more to me inside or outside the box and said so on my Facebook status.
 
According to my ex-sister-in-law/current friend Dawn: "You know you want to pose the arms!!!! It would be more fun out of the box!!!!"
 
According to my ex-Michigan/current Texas friend Joshua: "Dude...it couldn't possibly be worth more than the fun you would have if you made him hang out with all the skank-ho barbies and cast off their diseases."
 
They were both right, of course.
 

 
Up until my daughter turned 7, I didn't even know what a skank-ho barbie was.  Then she got a shit ton of them at her birthday party from her friends.  They're called Bratz:
 

 
Were Jesus to encounter the Bratz today, he'd likely be appalled.  Not at first, though, because if the Jesus action figure is to scale, he'd have other things on his mind.
 

 
But Jesus doesn't judge.  It says so right on the box:
 
"I did not come to judge the world but to save it." John 12:47
 
Jesus is diplomatic and would probably try to crack a few lame chicken jokes to put the Bratz at ease.  They'd wonder what the funny little man was up to and why he didn't want to make out with them.  They'd reach deep into their bag of resistance melting tricks and pull out the one thing no heterosexual male can turn away from.
 

 
Jesus would find a way to rise above and try to teach the Bratz all about the influence they have on young girls.  He'd tell them that their power lie within and the way they presented themselves was cheapening their inner strength.  He would explain that it wasn't too late!  He could save them!
 

 
No sooner would the Bratz begin to wonder if His words were true would Ken show up with his chiseled abs and white sparkly teeth.  The Bratz would become a giggly mess and ride off into the sunset with him in the barbie-mobile, probably to have a threesome, leaving Jesus to kick dirt.
 

 
Jesus-0, Toy Industry- 1,018,982

1 comment:

Donna said...

I don't know you, but this is hilarious!