Friday, October 6, 2006


I can officially count myself among the population of the Medicated. This was a little difficult to accept at first because it seems like people just take a pill for anything to modify everything and I didn't want to be like that. But, if it helps...

I've been told by my doctor to keep a journal to record not only my mental shit (I have got to stop swearing like a sailor, by the way), but any physical symptoms as well to better weigh pros and cons in evaluating the drug's effectiveness. As I've been journaling, I've noticed a lot of stress coming from my kids. I get so irritated so quickly and I control it externally, but it really bothers me that I get irritated in the first place. My kids are so great- they are well behaved, they have loads of personality, and it's not just me being a mom that allows me to say this, but I think there aren't a whole lot of people that wouldn't be proud to call them their own.

I've been so disturbed that I get so stressed out at the end of the day because of them, and even more disturbed that they should be a source of stress when it's not even close to being their fault. Sometimes I think they deserve so much better (although for the most part, I think they're just as lucky to have me for their mother as I am to have them for my children).

The weekend is here and it's Todd's weekend. I was so happy to get this time by myself, because my stress level was getting to the point of breaking and I fear that I won't be able to control it externally as well as I have. I hate that I yell at them so unnecessarily when I get to that breaking point.

When Todd came to pick them up, I watched them walk away with thier mini suitcases rolling behind them. I am grateful to have a weekend to myself (don't even get me started on how much homework I have to do), but it kind of broke my heart watching them go. I'm a mother that values my time away from the kids, so it's not that I feel incomplete when they are not at home. But watching them walk away, I became a bit overcome by so much at once: pride, loneliness, fear, and pure, unconditional love.

What I am trying to express is this: I hope that the medication helps alieve some of the stress and sadness; however, let it never take away the moment I experience when watching my children walk away.

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