Today at a local middle school, I was accompanying the 8th grade class I'm observing to the computer lab. I was bringing up the rear (not just a shot at my... um... "shapely" ass) when one of the male students approached me with a science question. Below follows a rendition of our conversation:
Boy: Miss Taylor, [Is 30 too old to be called "Miss?" Whatever, I'll take it] I have a science question.
Melissa (a.k.a. Miss Taylor): Then you are probably asking the wrong person, but ask me anyway.
Boy: If you have two magnets and you swirl them around a coil of wire, can you create electricity?
Melissa: Science is not my cup of tea, but I have to tell you that you are probably not going to make electricity that way.
Boy: Oh, because I think you can. I'm going to make a taser at home like that.
Melissa: I don't think you are going to be successful with the method you described. But in the case that you are eventually successful, I hope you don't plan on bringing your experiment to school.
Boy: No, I'm not going to bring it to school. But, I'm going to make 3 of them. One for small problems, like if someone says something messed up to me. One will be for if someone tries to mess with my friends. The big one will be for if people try to push me around, I'll use that one on their eyelids.
At this point, I began to ignore him, I've noticed that this is the method most often employed by teachers when students start rambling about anything other than the topic at hand. This is an at-risk school and the kids are pretty much out of control as far as behavior goes, so the teachers have a tendency to ignore them when they are off task or topic because nothing seems to work as far as modification or redirection.
But I have to say that it bothered me. He was talking like he gets bullied, but as I was observing him amongst his classmates, he really blended in with them. I never had the chance to talk to my supervising teacher about it. I wonder what my responsibility is in a situation like that. It's not like it was a bomb threat, but I felt like ignoring him was the wrong thing to do.
It's not even 10 p.m. and I'm exhausted and sore. I'd like to take a hot bath, but I'd probably fall asleep and drown. All I can think about is these kids, their horrible behavior, and what would make a kid feel like he had to invent a homemade taser.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Friday, October 6, 2006
Medicated
I can officially count myself among the population of the Medicated. This was a little difficult to accept at first because it seems like people just take a pill for anything to modify everything and I didn't want to be like that. But, if it helps...
I've been told by my doctor to keep a journal to record not only my mental shit (I have got to stop swearing like a sailor, by the way), but any physical symptoms as well to better weigh pros and cons in evaluating the drug's effectiveness. As I've been journaling, I've noticed a lot of stress coming from my kids. I get so irritated so quickly and I control it externally, but it really bothers me that I get irritated in the first place. My kids are so great- they are well behaved, they have loads of personality, and it's not just me being a mom that allows me to say this, but I think there aren't a whole lot of people that wouldn't be proud to call them their own.
I've been so disturbed that I get so stressed out at the end of the day because of them, and even more disturbed that they should be a source of stress when it's not even close to being their fault. Sometimes I think they deserve so much better (although for the most part, I think they're just as lucky to have me for their mother as I am to have them for my children).
The weekend is here and it's Todd's weekend. I was so happy to get this time by myself, because my stress level was getting to the point of breaking and I fear that I won't be able to control it externally as well as I have. I hate that I yell at them so unnecessarily when I get to that breaking point.
When Todd came to pick them up, I watched them walk away with thier mini suitcases rolling behind them. I am grateful to have a weekend to myself (don't even get me started on how much homework I have to do), but it kind of broke my heart watching them go. I'm a mother that values my time away from the kids, so it's not that I feel incomplete when they are not at home. But watching them walk away, I became a bit overcome by so much at once: pride, loneliness, fear, and pure, unconditional love.
What I am trying to express is this: I hope that the medication helps alieve some of the stress and sadness; however, let it never take away the moment I experience when watching my children walk away.
I've been told by my doctor to keep a journal to record not only my mental shit (I have got to stop swearing like a sailor, by the way), but any physical symptoms as well to better weigh pros and cons in evaluating the drug's effectiveness. As I've been journaling, I've noticed a lot of stress coming from my kids. I get so irritated so quickly and I control it externally, but it really bothers me that I get irritated in the first place. My kids are so great- they are well behaved, they have loads of personality, and it's not just me being a mom that allows me to say this, but I think there aren't a whole lot of people that wouldn't be proud to call them their own.
I've been so disturbed that I get so stressed out at the end of the day because of them, and even more disturbed that they should be a source of stress when it's not even close to being their fault. Sometimes I think they deserve so much better (although for the most part, I think they're just as lucky to have me for their mother as I am to have them for my children).
The weekend is here and it's Todd's weekend. I was so happy to get this time by myself, because my stress level was getting to the point of breaking and I fear that I won't be able to control it externally as well as I have. I hate that I yell at them so unnecessarily when I get to that breaking point.
When Todd came to pick them up, I watched them walk away with thier mini suitcases rolling behind them. I am grateful to have a weekend to myself (don't even get me started on how much homework I have to do), but it kind of broke my heart watching them go. I'm a mother that values my time away from the kids, so it's not that I feel incomplete when they are not at home. But watching them walk away, I became a bit overcome by so much at once: pride, loneliness, fear, and pure, unconditional love.
What I am trying to express is this: I hope that the medication helps alieve some of the stress and sadness; however, let it never take away the moment I experience when watching my children walk away.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
The Boxes Under the Stairs
So, to most who know me, I've had an eventful couple of weeks.
I have been making so many to-do lists- and sticking to them- to try to steam out the wrinkles that have become my future. I have gotten so much accomplished in the past two weeks that I amaze myself. Anything that has yet to be accomplished has an appointment made to get it accomplished. I am living out of my planner. I even got a job (I will blog on my new crazy schedule very soon).
It feels amazing to have a bit of the haze clear and catch hopeful glimpses of the wonderful things to come.
Yet... I find myself, in spite of all of my optimism, clinging to my old habits. Follow me through a small piece of my day which is quite a fitting metaphor for my current mindset.
Today I have been getting ready to take the kids camping (Todd came over to help me through the process of putting up the tent, which I had refused to learn over all these years because, of course, I'd always have him to do it for me). As I've been hunting and gathering throughout the house, I've come accross boxes yet to be unpacked.
We moved into this house in February. I have about 6 stubborn boxes stored inconveniently in the closet under the stairs that refuse to put themselves away. They are full of things that have no place in this house. This house is bigger than the old one, but these pesky items simply don't belong here. So, I put off dealing with them. Some of them are things that I don't need, things people have bought me because I once collected them, and some are just things that remind me of who I used to be... rather, still am, but am actively trying not to be.
"Today," I told myself, "in the midst of all of the hunting and gathering, I will deal with these things." And it was too hard. It's not that I don't think I'm capable of making the decision of where the things should go (trash, into the house, future garage sale box), it's that I can't bring myself to make the decisions.
Then came an "AHA!" moment. I have so been defining myself on my lack of interest in making new friends, in being alone whenever possible, in my ability to be separate from all of my other commitments and honor a commitment to myself that I have actually gone and become lonely. While being an individual is still important to me, I think I have come to a crossroads where I need to train myself to welcome human contact.
I've been so sad lately and I do believe I may be stumbling upon some answers. The dissolution of my marraige is actually going to teach me something. While the separation is a good thing on so many levels, Todd not being here anymore is making me see how close I was getting to be to being utterly alone. Of course, that would never be truly so because of my children, but one needs more than just their children and their spouse to be whole.
There is no lack of people who would be here in a heartbeat if I need them to be. But the point is that I need to branch out. I have alot to offer, and I think I may be discrediting people in general by assuming that they have nothing to offer me.
And it comes back to the boxes under the stairs. I know what must be done, but I question my ability to do it.
I have been making so many to-do lists- and sticking to them- to try to steam out the wrinkles that have become my future. I have gotten so much accomplished in the past two weeks that I amaze myself. Anything that has yet to be accomplished has an appointment made to get it accomplished. I am living out of my planner. I even got a job (I will blog on my new crazy schedule very soon).
It feels amazing to have a bit of the haze clear and catch hopeful glimpses of the wonderful things to come.
Yet... I find myself, in spite of all of my optimism, clinging to my old habits. Follow me through a small piece of my day which is quite a fitting metaphor for my current mindset.
Today I have been getting ready to take the kids camping (Todd came over to help me through the process of putting up the tent, which I had refused to learn over all these years because, of course, I'd always have him to do it for me). As I've been hunting and gathering throughout the house, I've come accross boxes yet to be unpacked.
We moved into this house in February. I have about 6 stubborn boxes stored inconveniently in the closet under the stairs that refuse to put themselves away. They are full of things that have no place in this house. This house is bigger than the old one, but these pesky items simply don't belong here. So, I put off dealing with them. Some of them are things that I don't need, things people have bought me because I once collected them, and some are just things that remind me of who I used to be... rather, still am, but am actively trying not to be.
"Today," I told myself, "in the midst of all of the hunting and gathering, I will deal with these things." And it was too hard. It's not that I don't think I'm capable of making the decision of where the things should go (trash, into the house, future garage sale box), it's that I can't bring myself to make the decisions.
Then came an "AHA!" moment. I have so been defining myself on my lack of interest in making new friends, in being alone whenever possible, in my ability to be separate from all of my other commitments and honor a commitment to myself that I have actually gone and become lonely. While being an individual is still important to me, I think I have come to a crossroads where I need to train myself to welcome human contact.
I've been so sad lately and I do believe I may be stumbling upon some answers. The dissolution of my marraige is actually going to teach me something. While the separation is a good thing on so many levels, Todd not being here anymore is making me see how close I was getting to be to being utterly alone. Of course, that would never be truly so because of my children, but one needs more than just their children and their spouse to be whole.
There is no lack of people who would be here in a heartbeat if I need them to be. But the point is that I need to branch out. I have alot to offer, and I think I may be discrediting people in general by assuming that they have nothing to offer me.
And it comes back to the boxes under the stairs. I know what must be done, but I question my ability to do it.
Tuesday, August 8, 2006
Honor
I have been thinking quite a bit about honor. Chiefly, I have been thinking about honor as it relates to commitments in ones relationships with others. No, this is not about the phrase "honor your commitments," although it fits. However, the aforementioned phrase is not what got me started on this rant.
Really, my thoughts here are about relationships between people. All relationships: marriages, partnerships, friendships, familial ties. I am contemplating the responsibility we have to other people when we make commitments to them.
For example, I have big commitments and little ones. I vowed to be faithful when I married my husband; I promised my daughter a trip to the new ice cream store by the beach when she had completed the first section of her summer workbook. I wonder if there is any difference in what kind of person I am when I do not honor a commitment regardless of whether it is a major or minor one. In the above examples, I am betraying my word in both cases. Perhaps the promise I made to my daughter seems minor in comparison to my wedding vows, but is it? I am still defacing the value of my word, my honor.
Being honorable is quite possibly the biggest virtue one can boast. When thinking of relationships, we always think of things like trust and honesty and communication and compatibility as paramount to success. Really it all comes down to honor. How crushing it must be to have honored someone for any length of time (though particularly a longer length of time)- be it blindly or with proper cause- and to find out that you (or me, or anyone) have not been treated with honor in return. Having to recall all of the times when you could have broken your word, when it would have been so easy, but did not, only to discover that it did not mean anything must be so belittling. Sure, you have your personal integrity. Still, there is a moment when a person must feel so naked to discover that something they value was contrary to what a person they care about values.
I feel as though, with being treated honorably as so important to me, I need to really examine my commitments with those that I care for, or respect, or admire and make sure that I have treated others likewise.
Really, my thoughts here are about relationships between people. All relationships: marriages, partnerships, friendships, familial ties. I am contemplating the responsibility we have to other people when we make commitments to them.
For example, I have big commitments and little ones. I vowed to be faithful when I married my husband; I promised my daughter a trip to the new ice cream store by the beach when she had completed the first section of her summer workbook. I wonder if there is any difference in what kind of person I am when I do not honor a commitment regardless of whether it is a major or minor one. In the above examples, I am betraying my word in both cases. Perhaps the promise I made to my daughter seems minor in comparison to my wedding vows, but is it? I am still defacing the value of my word, my honor.
Being honorable is quite possibly the biggest virtue one can boast. When thinking of relationships, we always think of things like trust and honesty and communication and compatibility as paramount to success. Really it all comes down to honor. How crushing it must be to have honored someone for any length of time (though particularly a longer length of time)- be it blindly or with proper cause- and to find out that you (or me, or anyone) have not been treated with honor in return. Having to recall all of the times when you could have broken your word, when it would have been so easy, but did not, only to discover that it did not mean anything must be so belittling. Sure, you have your personal integrity. Still, there is a moment when a person must feel so naked to discover that something they value was contrary to what a person they care about values.
I feel as though, with being treated honorably as so important to me, I need to really examine my commitments with those that I care for, or respect, or admire and make sure that I have treated others likewise.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Home From Vacation
I just got home from vacation. We went camping for 2 night in Traverse City. Whenever I go to T.C., which has only been 4 times ever, I realize how beautiful Michigan is. On the southeastern side of the state, it's really only about squeezing the maximum amount of subdivisions possible into as little space as possible. But on the western and northern side of the state, it's quite breathtaking.
My husband wasn't able to get the time off work, so it was just me, the kids, and my in-laws (mother, sisters, brother, nieces). I am so lucky to have in-laws that I get along with so that I feel just as comfortable with them as with my own family.
After camping we went up to Mackinaw City for 2 nights, spending a day on Mackinac Island. It may have been too hot a day for my first trip ever to the island. It was beautiful to look at but not to smell. For those who don't know (and I'm relatively certain I was the only one to not know), there are no automobiles on the island. One can only get around by bike or horse. Thus, on a hot day, the pungent odor of manure is all about.
The best part of the vacation for me was Jenna's complete fascination for Fort Michilimackinac. It's good to see her interested in history at such a young age. My interest in history didn't develop until fairly recently, so a trip to Fort Michilimackinac at Jenna's age would have been torture. Actually, it was great to see my recently acquired knowledge of Michigan history cemented in Mackinaw City and on Mackinac Island. I actually have a great deal of appreciation for Michigan right now.
As always, it's good to be home.
My husband wasn't able to get the time off work, so it was just me, the kids, and my in-laws (mother, sisters, brother, nieces). I am so lucky to have in-laws that I get along with so that I feel just as comfortable with them as with my own family.
After camping we went up to Mackinaw City for 2 nights, spending a day on Mackinac Island. It may have been too hot a day for my first trip ever to the island. It was beautiful to look at but not to smell. For those who don't know (and I'm relatively certain I was the only one to not know), there are no automobiles on the island. One can only get around by bike or horse. Thus, on a hot day, the pungent odor of manure is all about.
The best part of the vacation for me was Jenna's complete fascination for Fort Michilimackinac. It's good to see her interested in history at such a young age. My interest in history didn't develop until fairly recently, so a trip to Fort Michilimackinac at Jenna's age would have been torture. Actually, it was great to see my recently acquired knowledge of Michigan history cemented in Mackinaw City and on Mackinac Island. I actually have a great deal of appreciation for Michigan right now.
As always, it's good to be home.
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